In the almost 7 years that i’ve been Master’s property, W/we haven’t been separated for more than a couple of days at a time. Recently, i’ve had to attend to a family matter out of town, and this required a separation of almost 2 weeks. i dreaded this time…i knew it would be hard, but it still caught me off guard. The security of His physical presence was gone and i felt like a sailor who had fallen off the ship and was being tossed around by a raging sea. How in the world do people manage long-distance relationships?
But this physical distance has helped me to realize something…something that my Master actually had to point out to me. There is a hole at my very core…a hungry void which craves to be filled with purpose, meaning, direction, structure. Without that, i lack something vital. i understand now why some women will call themselves “unimportant”, “worthless”, “useless”. we are all that when the hole is empty, and by filling that hole, it’s our Masters who give us value.
The hole inside is so desperately needy that it scares me. It’s unnerving to see that i don’t have that internal sense of purpose on my own, that i can’t be complete on my own. i need Him. On the other hand, He’s complete on His own with His own purpose, goals, and drive to achieve them. This makes me feel very attached to Him, and very vulnerable. What if this or that….insert bad thought/possibility. And what if…..what if…what if He changes His mind and decide i’m too much work? But that’s just my history speaking. i don’t personally know anyone else who is as needy this way as i am, and i’ve only met a few online who seem to be.
This new understanding casts a better light on the way W/we relate to each other…on what feels comfortable. i have a hole in need of filling, and i seek that out and open myself. On the other hand, my Master has an abundance of purpose, direction….and He seeks out a hole to fill with His essence. Together, W/we make a whole, like two pieces of a puzzle that fit in all the right places.
This craving to be filled with Him, to be used…it feels very primal, as if it comes from an ancient part of the brain. It also feels sexual, although sex in the traditional sense might not be involved. It’s not so much about fucking as it is about power, His Domination, and my surrender. That feels right to me. It feels right to be used by Him, as it satiates that gnawing hunger. i wonder sometimes what is it that i’m hungry for? It’s a hunger for life, to exist, to be real. Without use, i’m not real. i can’t exist for myself…i must exist for Him. Some people might call this degree of dependence mentally unhealthy, but i know otherwise.